Alton Towers

17 & 18 June 2016

I hadn’t planned on embarking on another fun park trip, but I wanted to get away from winter and the monotony of life for a bit, so I decided to go somewhere far away. The Middle East seemed like a good idea, so off to the United Arab Emirates I went. I stayed with the loveliest friends in Abu Dhabi, overlooking Ferrari World. I knew of course that this was the home of the world’s fastest coaster, but also knew that as it was Ramadan, things were a bit slow during the day. When I arrived, Formula Rossa had not yet opened after the off season, and I was not willing to pay the entry fee without it. My friends mentioned that ‘UAE time’ was different to the rest of the world. Sometimes restaurants/parks etc. would open, sometimes not, and you often didn’t get any explanation if timetables and plans changed.

I filled the time with swimming, sightseeing, skate parking, and generally enjoying the 40+ temperatures after departing Australia in conditions around 0 degrees. I was becoming frustrated that Ferrari World could not tell me when the coaster would open, and I was really wanting to get an adrenaline kick. I impulsively decided on a quick side trip to the UK, to visit Alton Towers and Thorpe Park.

I had first heard of Alton Towers after the horrible accent on the Smiler Coaster where riders suffered some horrendous injuries including amputated limbs. As I started researching the park though, it had some great looking rides and the desire to visit grew.

I arrived at Heathrow airport, and spent hours getting to a nearby hotel to wait in line to collect the hire car (never again Easirent…) Apart from the 1.5 hour line wait, I was unimpressed after paying for a GPS unit which they threw on the seat, then realised the car actually already had an inbuilt GPS system. England’s rental car system is also weird because the cars don’t come with a full tank of fuel. So I made my way on to the highway, driving in a foreign country by myself, just hoping to god I would find a petrol station along the way. Sure enough, the petrol light kept beeping at me, and I was panicking that I would break down. I found a servo just in the nick of time, and then continued on a fairly easy and relaxing drive to the north.

Arriving at the onsite Alton Towers Hotel, it felt like I had walked in to a Beatrix Potter book. The grounds were so lush and beautiful. My body clock was completely out of whack. I arrived close to 9pm although it was still very light outside. I think I had been awake for close to 24 hours by that point, and my body was telling me it was about 2am. I walked through a bizarre and wonderful hotel foyer themed around Sir Algenon Alton and his travels, rode a funny little elevator complete with musical interlude, and jumped straight in to bed. The onsite options can be stupidly expensive, but I recommend saving up your pennies because the convenience is worth it.

Foyer

Small rooms but sufficient!

The next day, I awoke with ducks and squirrels outside the window, and was amazed that bumble bees are an actual thing and pretty damn cute (as opposed to the stinging little buggers in Australia.) With the excitement of someone who hadn’t been to an amazing fun park in 2 years, I skipped down to the monorail station and took the rail to the front entrance.

Ducky!

More of the bird life

I discovered very quickly there would be A LOT of walking. Alton Towers was probably the largest park (space wise) I had visited, and it felt like every ride was a kilometre away from the next one. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, because we all know it is traditional to eat a lot of crappy food at fun parks and you gotta work off those calories somehow!

To change things up, I commenced an anti-clockwise loop and made my way to the X-sector. On the way I passed the kiddy land ‘CBeebies.’ I know of Snoopy and Looney Tunes, but have no idea who or what the hell a ‘Cbeebie’ is. Regardless, the area was very busy with toddlers.

The rides opened progressively throughout the morning, with Oblivion one of the first. I had watched YouTube clips of this coaster longingly, with its stall at the top of the lift hill before dropping you down vertically right under the ground. It was just as good to ride in the flesh, with great anticipation prior to the drop. With very short queues first thing in the morning, I jumped on a few times before heading to the Smiler.

Oblivion

Just some of the daggy ride pics

The theming around The Smiler was terrific. It had a creepy clown/crazy fun house vibe, and I was looking forward to the world record 14 loops. Enjoying my single rider status, the wait wasn’t too long. The Smiler is one of the longer coasters I have been on, and I enjoyed the middle section which took you up a vertical lift hill, feeling like you were starting a second coaster. Loops are cool – not as great as fast launches or massive drops for me, but still a good way to lose a few brain cells and clear your head. For all the build-up (including the promotion of psychological effects), I did not think The Smiler was as great as a couple of the other coasters at the park. The artistic nature of the set design was probably the finest I have seen anywhere though. I wandered away with the creepy clown theme song in my head, and bought a souvenir musical pen so I could annoy friends and family with the tune for years to come.

Smiler on ride pics

Leaving the X-sector, I stopped by the Spinball Whizzer (well played on the Elton John pun) on the way out. I have written about these circular carriages that spin as they travel around the coaster track before, and they are a guaranteed bit of fun!

I took a detour through the grounds of the Towers, which had been around since the 1800s. It was like dropping a fun park right in to the middle of the old British Empire, and it was awesome! You could enjoy the fresh air, meticulously maintained gardens, and real historical monuments as you went from ride to ride. 

The Towers

Ahhh what is that naked man doing to that animal??

I ended up in the Dark Forest for the Rita roller coaster – hallelujah to a fast launch machine! The track looked similar to rides like the Motocoaster, Jet Rescue and Pony Express, but had more impressive speeds for a relatively small track. I was confused by the theming which looked like a drag race, cause who the hell is Rita? By the time I got off, the line had skyrocketed and so it was time to move on.

Next was a coaster called Th13teen, which was a surprise packet. I am a sucker for horror, so enjoyed the evil forest style theming. The coaster itself starts with a zippy little outdoor section not unlike a traditional mine ride coaster, but a lot smoother. It then stops in a little shed where the real fun begins. The whole track drops a little before stopping, and just when you think that is the only jolt you will get, it then free falls for about 5 metres in complete darkness. You then enjoy a backwards section before the carriage switches tracks and takes you back in to the station. I would return to this coaster regularly over the next two days!

Public service announcement: The park map is NOT to scale. I thought I would take a ‘short cut’ through The Gardens in the middle of the park. The Gardens were stunning, but it felt like a good hour until I made it to the other side. I returned to have lunch in that area because it was so peaceful, but relied in the Skyride gondola to cover the bigger distances.

I arrived in the Forbidden Valley, and was very excited to experience my first ever virtual reality coaster, Galactica. The track looked amazing, so was keen to see what it would be like if you couldn’t actually see where you were going. I put on a VR headset, but the kid next to me was not so keen. I think the darkness freaked him out, and he burst in to tears. So we went through the whole process of harness release and unload to let the little fella off. Take 2…headset on, ride tilted so that you were face down, and off we went. The ride was like travelling through space, and the novelty of your body having weird feelings on the drops without actually being able to see the track was a bit different. For good measure, I rode again but opted not to use the headset to compare. I guess I am old fashioned, because I actually enjoyed the non VR version better. The anticipation and height of a track helps with the adrenalin kick for me, so if you can’t see it, it just doesn’t occur.

Galactica

My first ever VR coaster

Next up was Nemesis, which was my favourite coaster of the whole park. I just wasn’t expecting such high intensity from a suspended coaster!  I had to look it up to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, but sure enough you get to have some fun with 3-4 times the force of gravity. Nemesis and I became buddies, meeting up regularly.

Nemesis

Taking a snooze

I was thrilled with seven great coasters (good job England) and ticked off the eighth for good measure. This was a standard Runaway Mine Train. 

Just when I thought the fun was over, I booked myself in for a meal at the Rollercoaster restaurant. The food came delivered in a little tray that flew down a coaster track. Some of the meals were being sent round loops, others on little hills. It was a bit pricey, so definitely a one off for the novelty factor.

Rollercoaster restuarant

lol at the coke being strapped in for the ride

I thoroughly enjoyed my two days at the park, and would have been quite happy to spend a whole week there. As mentioned, the beautiful grounds were a highlight. If I was qualified at being a groundskeeper, I would love to work at Alton Towers. There was a great variety of onsite accommodation options too, with brilliant family friendly facilities. Fun little areas like tree top quest and the sharkbait reef were nice additions. Little touches like sign boards scattered around the park, advertising current wait times on the boards certainly helped with planning. Not only were the grounds exceptional, the staff were super lovely. They were polite, social, helpful and kind. As this was my first experience in the UK, I wondered if this was the norm? Thorpe Park would prove me wrong in a couple of days…